Working

Well, I certainly have ignored this blog. That really needs to stop. I have so many things running around in my head that need to be put down to look back on. I am usually encouraged by knowing that difficult times do pass and things are not always exactly the way I remember them. So, here I am again.

I recently started working after many months off. I have felt much better without the stress and schedule of work and I have learned lots of things that really help me and just as many that don't. I am not sure that I will be able to work. That is frightening to me. I have worked since I was 14. I am giving it a try. As the good doc says,"Well you'll either figure out a way to push yourself through it or you'll crash. But at least you'll know."

I have two PRN jobs. One is as a geriatric case manager. I basically oversee and coordinate the care of seniors. I can take as many or as few clients as I want. A lot of the work I can do from my phone or computer, in my bathrobe. There are other times when I pull out the suit and have to become very professional for a meeting. I like both.

The second job is doing admissions for a home heath company who is owned by one of the nicest guys that I have ever met. This too is flexible in that I can work or not.

My plan is to try to do about 10 hours a week. I usually have 4 or 5 good hours a day that I am fairly functional. I can be out at work or grocery shopping, ect. Besides that, I am home and usually in a prone position. Even with that, there are weeks when I have to catch up and spend most of the week just lying around trying to get enough energy to shower and fix dinner. We'll definitely see how it all works out. I am sure that I can do it for a week, maybe two. The real question is, can I keep it up over time. I am not sure.

I really do want to work. I love nursing. I have always loved nursing. It has been a great career. I have done some awesome things and still have much to give. I just need to find a way to give it. Maybe this is it, maybe not. The good doc didn't look to sure about this. But as he said, I'll either find a way to push through or crash, but at least I'll know.

Friends

The last 2 months have been difficult. I have been in a flare up, which basically means, extreme fatigue, soreness and brain fog. In a flare, it's hard to get your mind working well enough to even know what is making you worse. It was very discouraging until I realized that it was a flare and that it would pass. I made some adjustments in my meds and this week has been much better. I have really felt pretty good. Tonight, I got together with friends. We were sitting around the kitchen, talking,laughing, sharing stories, giving and getting advise. And I was so grateful. A week ago, I could not have done this. I would have been to tired. I love my friends and am so thankful for the times that we are together. I know that it is very difficult,physically as well as psychologically, when I have a flare up, but in a weird way it is also a blessing. It makes me really appreciate the times when I feel sort of "normal". I don't think that I take those times for granted the way I have in the past.
I hope that writing about this will help me to remember next time that there are times that are hard but those times pass.I can't get stuck in a that place.

What's in a Name?

I need to commit to writing down my thoughts and feelings. I think that some are really worth remembering. If others want to follow, then so be it. But for now, this is mostly about me. My life has been so full, lately. Full of laughter and full of pain. Although not always easy, it has been a time of looking deep inside myself. I have found it very hard to face having a chronic illness. I have really taken great pride in the fact that I have been very healthy. It was such a part of me. I was hanging on to that whole idea of my being healthy as a way to validate myself. Sounds weird but let me explain. I am very overweight. I have been for most of my life. I have tried dieting which never works for very long. I would lose 50 pounds and gain 40 back, lose 40 and gain 50. You get the picture. But, I really have been healthier that most of my thin friends. My blood pressure was better, my cholesterol was better, I exercised more, ate healthier choices. Therefore, I was ok, healthy. Well now I'm not, healthier, that is. I have this stinkin' chronic "silent" illness called Fibromyalgia.
I had lap band surgery 2 years ago and lost over 60 pounds. I was glad because I wanted others to see me as healthy. Then when I had a pretty bad flare up of my Fibro, I stopped exercising and doing just about everything. My doctors, nutritionist and therapist all agreed that I needed to find out what was causing the flare and deal with that. I needed to put the whole weight loss thing on the back burner. That was not easy! I felt like my whole life was put on hold for this illness. My plan was to open up my own practice as a nutritionists and stress management consultant. Now all of a sudden, that was up in the air. What was I to do now? I don't like to wait. I don't like being out of control. I had so many things left to accomplish in my life.
I knew one thing for sure. I needed to step back, quit thinking about others opinions of me and take care of myself. All my life, I have been a caregiver. I am very pastoral, looking out for my "flock". I hate to see people hurt and I am very willing to do what I can to prevent it. A few months back I felt the Spirit say to me,"Your heart has been broken. You need to do what is soothing to your heart." So, back to the the name of my blog. My ramblings will be what ever comes up and out as I am trying to do what is soothing to my heart.

Managing Fibromylgia

It has, in many ways, been a very difficult year. The diagnosis of Fibromyalgia was both a relief and a life sentence. It was a relief because I finally had a name for the fatigue, pain, inability to concentrate, low tolerance to stress and sleepless nights. This hodgepodge of symptoms that had been plaguing me for 4 years actually had a name. On the other hand, fibromyalgia sounded very permanent, and I did not want permanent... I wanted a quick fix. It really took me a year to come to the point that I realized that I was stuck with this diagnosis. Now what the heck was I going to do? This life sentence started to feel like a death sentence. Oh my gosh, could I really live like this. It became more difficult to work as a nurse. The stress was becoming to much to handle. This from someone who was always known as being able to keep many balls in the air. Give me a task and 50 people, no problem, I'd get it done and done very well. No longer was this easy. I still had the desire to work but my body would not cooperate.
Then something happened.I realized that I had given up the battle without a fight. That certainly is not me. I am a warrior, ready to step to the front lines. What had happened to my confidence and my knowledge of who I am and what I am able to accomplish? I decided to stand. I made a decision that Fibromyalgia would not manage me. I would manage it. I would learn to be free.