Friends

The last 2 months have been difficult. I have been in a flare up, which basically means, extreme fatigue, soreness and brain fog. In a flare, it's hard to get your mind working well enough to even know what is making you worse. It was very discouraging until I realized that it was a flare and that it would pass. I made some adjustments in my meds and this week has been much better. I have really felt pretty good. Tonight, I got together with friends. We were sitting around the kitchen, talking,laughing, sharing stories, giving and getting advise. And I was so grateful. A week ago, I could not have done this. I would have been to tired. I love my friends and am so thankful for the times that we are together. I know that it is very difficult,physically as well as psychologically, when I have a flare up, but in a weird way it is also a blessing. It makes me really appreciate the times when I feel sort of "normal". I don't think that I take those times for granted the way I have in the past.
I hope that writing about this will help me to remember next time that there are times that are hard but those times pass.I can't get stuck in a that place.

What's in a Name?

I need to commit to writing down my thoughts and feelings. I think that some are really worth remembering. If others want to follow, then so be it. But for now, this is mostly about me. My life has been so full, lately. Full of laughter and full of pain. Although not always easy, it has been a time of looking deep inside myself. I have found it very hard to face having a chronic illness. I have really taken great pride in the fact that I have been very healthy. It was such a part of me. I was hanging on to that whole idea of my being healthy as a way to validate myself. Sounds weird but let me explain. I am very overweight. I have been for most of my life. I have tried dieting which never works for very long. I would lose 50 pounds and gain 40 back, lose 40 and gain 50. You get the picture. But, I really have been healthier that most of my thin friends. My blood pressure was better, my cholesterol was better, I exercised more, ate healthier choices. Therefore, I was ok, healthy. Well now I'm not, healthier, that is. I have this stinkin' chronic "silent" illness called Fibromyalgia.
I had lap band surgery 2 years ago and lost over 60 pounds. I was glad because I wanted others to see me as healthy. Then when I had a pretty bad flare up of my Fibro, I stopped exercising and doing just about everything. My doctors, nutritionist and therapist all agreed that I needed to find out what was causing the flare and deal with that. I needed to put the whole weight loss thing on the back burner. That was not easy! I felt like my whole life was put on hold for this illness. My plan was to open up my own practice as a nutritionists and stress management consultant. Now all of a sudden, that was up in the air. What was I to do now? I don't like to wait. I don't like being out of control. I had so many things left to accomplish in my life.
I knew one thing for sure. I needed to step back, quit thinking about others opinions of me and take care of myself. All my life, I have been a caregiver. I am very pastoral, looking out for my "flock". I hate to see people hurt and I am very willing to do what I can to prevent it. A few months back I felt the Spirit say to me,"Your heart has been broken. You need to do what is soothing to your heart." So, back to the the name of my blog. My ramblings will be what ever comes up and out as I am trying to do what is soothing to my heart.